Dale and Dullard

    Matt: “Long time, no see! How have you guys been?”

    Dullard: (In a worried tone) “So some people didn’t like us?”

    Matt: “Literally, just one complaint.”

    Dale: “We were snubbed a week because of just one person?”

    Matt: “Well, sometimes you gotta nip things in the bud before…”

    Dale: (Cutting me off) “Sorry, I misspoke. I meant to say, what we believe to be one person.”

    Dullard: “What the heck does that mean Dale?”

    Dale: “Well, we don’t know how they identify themselves. You said they didn’t sign their name, right?”

    Matt: “True, they did not sign their…”

    Dale: “Ok, so we don’t know if it was a person.”

    Matt: “Ok, Dale. We obviously know it was a person. Nothing else can really write.”

    Dale: “Yea, but we don’t know how they identify. They might see themselves as a rescue dog or something. And if they do, better hope they don’t identify as a Pitbull! I understand there’s an ordinance in town against those things.”

    Matt: “Dale… I don’t think…”

    Dullard: “It’s true! You can say you’re whatever nowadays. Why…there was this British fella the other day who had surgery to his eyes, guess he intended to make himself look Korean.”

    Matt: “That’s not true.”

    Dale: “I’m afraid it is. Guy had surgery to his face, and now identifies as a Korean. Says he is transracial Korean.”

    Matt: (After a quick Google search) “My goodness, it is true. Isn’t that considered a bit racist?”

    Dale: “Well maybe he doesn’t identify as a racist…”

    Dullard: “I’d like to be John Wayne…can I identify as John Wayne?”

    Matt: “Dang it, ok guys…I don’t know how you sucked me in to that. Let’s stop this, people are going to get offended.”

    Dale: (With a grin, as if he is knowingly pushing my buttons) “You can’t get offended by what I say because I don’t identify as somebody who offends people…”

    Matt: [Just ignore him] “Alright, we need to get started. Since we just celebrated the Fourth of July, I wanted to ask you guys, what does Independence Day mean to you?”

    Dale: “Well, the Fourth of July conjures up thoughts of hospital visits. As a young lad camping in the family backyard, I learned that one cannot muffle the sound of an M-80 by screwing it into the ground. Result…in trouble, in hospital, in that order. You know, when Ralph Waldo Emerson penned the Star-Spangled Banner on that initial 4^th[pretty sure, no, 100% sure he did not write it], he was celebrating the true heroes of the holiday. He wasn’t watching grown men playing with sparklers, snakes, and black cats, no sir…these people were using real rockets of red glare, bombs that will mess you up were bursting in air, and by all accounts, the next morning, our flag was still there. So, let’s put down the cherry bombs people. Let’s let the rest of the world celebrate the 4^th of July with explosives. The only thing we need to light is the damn grill. Light the grill, grab the food, fill the coolers, and let’s sit on our red, white, and blue butts and enjoy the day! God bless America!”

    Matt: “Are you running for office?”

    Dale: “Not a joking matter…”

    Matt: “Ok then, Dullard, what’s on your mind?”

    Dale: “The only thing on his mind is that hat!”

    Matt: “Seriously Dullard, pull that hat up so we can see you.”

    Dullard: (Snores pour out of him until Dale gives him a kick on the chin) “Hey yea… Well Wally someone told me once that if a country forgets its past it can’t move forward, And Independence Day is just that - A look back at what made this country what it is today. Those who won our independence believed liberty to be the secret of happiness - Louis B Brandeis. These quotes and many more have most Americans still believing in America and all it has to offer. When you hear those loud booms, actually imagine a cannonball hurling through the air, WOW! How crazy is that all so people can act like idiots if they want, leaving only the rest of us to uphold everything this country stands for. Waving the flag means a lot to me and a lot of other Americans today so let that flag fly high for ALL-ALL Americans to appreciate. Harry S Truman said, America was not built on fear. America was built on courage, on imagination, and an unbeatable determination to do the job at hand, and boy do we need more of that! Now that I’m done ranting about that serious stuff, let’s drink a red white and blue Budweiser before Dale puts a hex on the whole damn thing. He needs to get a job and stop slobbering all over my shoes!”

    Matt: “You guys are unbelievable…both of you all of a sudden are running for senator. And what’s the deal with this ‘Wally’ stuff, Dullard?

    Dullard: “I’ll tell you later. Just surprised Dale isn’t coming back at me.”

    Dale: “Not worth the time Dully, not worth the time…”