Dale & Dullard

Another couple of weeks have gone by since we’ve seen the gruesome twosome, so if you’ve got any brain cells you want to get rid of…now’s a good time. Last week brought upon some severe weather, which reminded me of an old tornado joke. I feel obliged to include it here for you all - Did you hear what happened to that cow that was lifted up by a tornado? Well, let me just say that it was an udder disaster. Kind of like that joke probably. Anyway, old men seem to carry within them some wit from years spent chugging through life. And Dale and Dullard have certainly done their lion’s share of chugging (speaking of a loss of brain cells). Now, I told them ahead of time to think of a good old fashion wisecrack…you know what? They say with age comes wisdom. That’s why I call wrinkles wise cracks. Another poorly-landed quip I suppose. Well, let’s just see what Dale and Dullard have for us.   

Matt: “Hi fellas, did you bring some good jokes with you today?”

Dullard: “I didn’t know we was supposed to bring a joke.”

Matt: “Why else would I ask you to think of an old family joke?”

Dullard: “I thought you was just trying to cheer me up a bit by telling me to reminisce.”

Matt: “Judging by the way you turned out, I don’t think reminiscing about your past would cheer you up much” [That was a bit harsh, Dale must be rubbing off on me]

Dale: “Ha, you can say that again. Haha”

Matt: “Ok, I apologize Dullard. Can you think of a joke right now?”

Dullard: “Well Wally, let’s put it this way, what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in front of the door? (Before there’s an opportunity to respond) Matt!! Hahahaha, that’s why I call you Wally. [I don’t get it] Not sure if we have family jokes in the family, but we do use the phrase ‘you ole heifer’ once in a while when someone is being obstinate, all in fun of course. I do have a couple I’m starting to use on a regular basis about my wife’s cookin. Let me tell ya, it’s so bad last week the flies chipped in to fix the screen door! I tell ya, it’s bad…how do you get bones in toast!? All this reminds me of my old neighbor Mr. Johnson. Every morning he would nail a fresh batch of tadpoles to this board then he would spin it round and round yelling ‘tadpoles, tadpoles is the winner’, we thought he was crazy but we had a lot of growing up to do!”

Matt: “There’s a lot to digest there…firstly, how do you know the word obstinate?

Dullard: “I said obstinate? I meant to say stubborn…I don’t know why I used that word.”

Matt: “Essentially mean the same thing but whatever. Secondly, I still don’t know why you call me Wally. And lastly, I think he was crazy if he nailed tadpoles to a board.”

Dullard: “Well Wally, maybe crazy to you but to him it was perfectly normal.”

Matt: “Fair enough…Dale?

Dale: “I enjoy jokes, so I’ve actually prepared an ode to them… (Dale unfolds a piece of paper from his right breast pocket and clears his throat) Uh um, all the great takes of classic joke lore – the cucumber, zucchini, the reoccurring sore. The horse and John Kerry, and all the long faces – the sand and the jack, and stuff in strange places. The cat and the mouse, my friend and a goat – The surname of Wood, and things that don’t float. Jack and Jill, the bucket, the thrill – the young bull, the old bull, on top of the hill. The rub a dub dub, baby seals in a club – the twigs and the berries, screen doors on a sub. Little Johhny, Little Suzzie, the kid with a stick – the holiday jokes involving saint Nick. We smile and chuckle when we hear these jokes said – oh, look there’s a butterfly on top of your head.” (Dale folds the paper up neatly, and sticks it back in his pocket) “And by the way, Dullard says he’s joking about his wife’s cooking. Guess he’s got to save his own bacon but, last time when I was over to their house for vittles, I got home and was hurling like an Olympic Javelin champion.”

Dullard: “Well, in my wife’s defense, our cow had just survived a tornado ride. Meat might have been a little bruised. One might say it was udderly disgusting”

Matt: “Nicely done Dullard. You brought that full circle!”

Dale: “Yep, just like his old lady, haha”