Dale & Dullard

Matthew Wilken

Between you and me, these interviews have been a bit rough (and if you’re new to the party, just remember these interviews are 100 percent fake). Dale seems to be holding a grudge against me for something, and Dullard…what can I say about him? I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I’m usually a good judge of what constitutes readable material. Rome wasn’t built over night so I suppose we will just continue to press on. I’ve prepared a question for these primitive and prehistoric pains in the posterior, and I am unsure as to how it will go (nothing new here). See, it’s a hot-button issue right now, and I’m having doubts about how it will be received by these less-than genteel geriatric gentlemen. I guess we’ll just have to find out…


Matt: “What are your thoughts on the vaccine?”

Dale: “You know what we need a shot for?”

Matt: “Wha…”

Dale: (Cutting me off seemingly on purpose) “I’ll tell ya, we need a shot for ‘stupid’. We are surrounded by stupid. Everywhere I look I see stupid. Ain’t that right, Dullard? Yes, I’m looking at you (Dullard nods in agreement and is apparently unaware of the fact that Dale was issuing him a put-down). I guarantee, if you took half the people and put em on one side, and the other two-thirds on the other side, 95 percent of them couldn’t spell the word ‘stupid.’ (I wonder how long it’s been since Dale took a basic math class). Now, years ago…we got good learnin. We was taught the abc’s of math (Ok, there’s the answer to my previous thought…years ago), how the world’s not flat no more, and how we defeated the French in the Civil War. Important things like that (He says this so confidently that I almost throw aside everything I know about history). Now, if people want ta take shots for some things, good for them. To each their own. But the ‘stupid shot’ should be gotten by all. I believe it is incontinent on all of us to get the “stupid shot.” (incontinent…?) (Dale sits still for five seconds while I attempt to decipher his idea of articulation, but then he starts in again) I’m reminded of the immortal words of General George Armstrong Custer, when he said, ‘Don’t worry Sergeant, they look like friendlies.’”

Matt: (I’m flabbergasted and can barely get the words out of my mouth to change the direction of this conversation) “Oh, ok…let’s go ahead and…”

Dullard: (Interrupting me, which seems like standard etiquette at this point) “Well ain’t ya gonna ask me?”

Matt: (I just nod my head to him as if to say, “whatever, go ahead.”)

Dullard: “I remember my first shot, tequila I think it was…back when men were men and sheep ran scared. Get your shot, don’t get your shot…your shot is none of my business…but, I wouldn’t mind getting up in your business wink, wink (I slowly slide my chair away from Dullard). Back in the day…not the same day as the sheep, me and Dale helped an old boy out in the hayfield before a rain. Man, things were a lot simpler back then, he thought the gods were looking down on him and so did we. Back to the shot, I believe we should all be vaxed, waxed, and looking like a snack!”

Matt: (Glossing over his deplorable use of innuendo…and the fact that most of what he spewed out made no sense at all) “I think we’re losing focus here, maybe…”

Dale: (As if I wasn’t speaking at all) “Oh yea, I remember that old boy, Dully! Think his name was Ewert Mclintock. Old Ewert Mclintock…yessir. He had a condition where he would suddenly lose consciousness and come-to hours later, in unfamiliar surroundings.”

Dullard: “I’m fairly certain that condition was on account of his drinking…”

Dale: “Whatever the reason may have been, he was able to overcome it.”

Dullard: “That’s right, old Ewert Mclintock…he gained a small amount of fame for overcoming that illness, and it was quite an amazing feet, to say the least.”

Dale: “Yessir, although…the fame ended abruptly, and it went mostly unmentioned when old Ewert Mclintock got struck by that bus.”

Dullard: “Died on impact…”

Matt: (Kinda like this conversation…)    


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