Dale & Dullard

Last time we met up with the dysfunctional and demented duo of Dale and Dullard, we didn’t learn a whole lot. What we did learn, was that Dullard couldn’t decipher the difference between push and pull, and that we’re going to have a hard time getting a straight answer out of these guys. I thought that an easy and fun question would make for a similar response. As we soon found out, this line of thinking was extremely ignorant and miscalculated. So, I decided that something a bit more serious would be a much better approach this week. I’m going to ask them about global warming, so I hope they have their thinking caps on tonight. As I play out the conversation to be had in my head, I can’t imagine it going off the rails like it did last meeting. The boys are here on time tonight so we’re already off to a better start.

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     Matt: “Hey Dale, how’s…” (Dale abruptly interrupts my pleasantries by unleashing a coughing fit that rivals the bashing of a Midwest summer thunderstorm) “You good, Dale?” (He coughs even louder and I can’t help but think he is doing this on purpose to suppress my voice).

     Dale: “How am I doing? Better than you, bub.”

     Matt: “That’s good to hear, Dale. Dullard?”

     Dullard: (He’s turned around studying the bulletin board) “Yes, I am.”

     Dale: “You are what Dully?”

     Dullard: “I’m here on time, ready for stuff.”

     Dale: (In a snarky tone) “You have no idea what you’re talking about right now, Dully…”

     Matt: “Ok, if you guys don’t mind, I’ll just ask the question now.” (Dullard takes his seat, and it’s awfully close to me again, as it was last time) “Here’s the question, and it’s an open ended one…what’s your take on global warming? Dale?”   

     Dale: “Never was a big believer in climate change, but I’m starting to warm up to the idea. In fact, this topic takes me back to the first date I had with the wife. We actually started the date by chatting about global warming a little bit, it was a good ice breaker. But back to the issue, I have noticed while watching the weather channel, the polar bears are really good swimmers. I’m guessing that Dullard’s experience with climate change would only consist of his heating pad and his daily application of Bengay cream.”

     Matt: “Come on Dale, let’s just see what he’s got to say... (turning to face Dullard) what do you think?”

     Dullard: “Welp…” (His horrendous breath smacks me in the face with evil intentions. The only thing I can compare it to is when your buddy smacks you in the back after you’ve recently obtained a severe sunburn)

     Matt: “Wow!” (unable to keep my inner thoughts to myself) “Dully, what did you eat for supper tonight?”

     Dullard: “Do you want me to take you through the menu, course by course?”

     Matt: “No, you know what?” (sliding my seat away in haste) “Let’s just get back to it…climate change, what do you have for us Dully?”

     Dullard: (Trying to collect his thoughts) “Welp, I believe global warming is a real thing. Greta told me so! And I’ve been to Alaska and seen them melting glaciers too. I always wondered why they don’t just haul a bunch of ice up there to replace what we are losing, seems like a win-win to me.”

            Matt: “Very insightful Dullard. I couldn’t have said it better.” (maybe his breath is what started melting those glaciers in the first place…)