Dale & Dullard

Matthew Wilken

     Unfortunately, last week Dullard failed to show at the meeting. I can’t imagine old Dully has that much on his plate, so it either slipped his mind or he got caught up watching “Ice Road Truckers” on TV. That is of no consequence today because he assured Dale that he would be here on time. And it looks like Dale has just arrived so let’s see what he’s up to.

     Matt: “Hey Dale, how’s your week been?”

     Dale: “Well I’m still married, so not great.”

     Matt: “I did not know you were married, Dale…”

     Dale: “It’s only through common law, which apparently isn’t very common.”

     Matt: “What’s her name?” (Dale doesn’t answer the question and avoids making eye contact with me. This void of conversation goes on for 15 minutes)

     Matt: (clearing my throat) “So where’s Dullard? I thought he told you he would be here on time?”

     Dale: “Yea, he told me that but it doesn’t mean I know where he is, guy.” [I get the sense that Dale doesn’t like me very much]

     All of a sudden, we hear a pounding on the door.

     Matt: “It’s open, come on in!” (the pounding continues until Dale is noticeably upset)

     Dale: “Oh, for the love of Engelbert Humperdinck, would you just come in Dully!”

     I go to the door, push it open, and see Dullard in a fit of anxiety.

     Dullard: “I thought that thing would never open. I kept pushing and pushing, but it was locked tighter than a Medieval chastity belt.”

     Matt: “It clearly says ‘pull’ to open the door.” (I point out the bright red letters on the door that say “Pull”)

     Dullard: “Yea, well you can’t believe everything they tell ya.”

     Dullard saddles up his seat maybe a little too close to me, but I’m just ready to get this over with. Since Dully was having difficulty with the door, we’re a little bit late, and I know Dale likes to stick to his schedule.

     Matt: “I had more questions prepared for today, but let’s just start with a light-hearted one. Ice cream trucks carry ice cream, garbage trucks carry garbage, so why is a fire truck not called a water truck? It doesn’t carry fire, it carries water.”      

     Dale: "When I said I'd do this paper thing, I hoped no stupid questions would be asked - Well, that just flew out the window. Last time my outhouse was on fire, which was mostly caused by a gas build up and the lantern I was carrying, I didn't give a rat’s butt what they called the fire truck. Just glad to see it coming down the road. Come to think of it, we lost a whole box of old Star newspapers that I used for clean-up. And, I never did find back my possum shooing stick!... Fire Truck, some things ya just trust and appreciate."

     Matt: (sighing with regret) “Thanks for that Dale. What a wholesome, well-articulated response.” (Dale stares off into the distance as if he’s trying to recall where his possum shooing stick might be)

     Matt: (turning to Dullard with apprehension) “Well, what do you think Dully?” Any words of wisdom from that noggin of yours?”

     Dullard: (with excitement, as if he had an epiphany) “Well ya know what they say? Fight fire with fire and if that don’t work, use water…or another dragon if you have one!”

     Matt: (dumbfounded) “Yea, I…I don’t really know what that means Dully.”


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